The Incredible Edible Man
by DJ LAZA
Summary: Willy Wonka & Dr. Frank N Furter combine wits to create the best invention the world has ever seen. Incomplete please R
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the rights to the characters of The Rocky Horror Picture Show & Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They belong to their respective owners.

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"Read that over once more to me... yes... ahuh... okay that's perfect. Run it just like it is. No. I don't care if it's too long, I'm paying for this ad and it will say what I want it to say, no buts about it. What? No. Just... no. Now I'm very busy man, I must go. You're sure it will appear, though? Alright, I'll take your word for it. Thanks. Bye."

The phone was replaced in its cradle. The morning newspaper sat down on the table, rolled up next to the phone. A hand extended and lifted the paper slowly from its resting spot. The paper was unrolled and smoothed out, lifted up to meet its holder's vision. As it raised, the light flickered in front of the paper and illuminated the slick metal pin in the shape of a 'W' upon the holder's neck.

He inspected the contents of the newspaper, turning to the section where his ad would be placed the next morning. Taking a glance around the factory, he let out a long sigh and lowered his head behind the newspaper. Suddenly he heard a set of small footsteps come up from behind his chair. He raised his head to see one of his trusted factory workers standing in front of him. Turning his frown into a smile, he listened as the small man made several gestures and noises.

His eyes brightened. "Really? Tea!" He exclaimed, making several gestures of his own. He rolled his tongue and clicked his teeth in reply. The small man nodded and began away.

He carelessly threw the newspaper back on the table and raised from his seat, stooping over to pick up his cane from where it leaned against the chair. In a happy daze, he marched out in the direction the small man had went, and disappeared.

The newspaper hung halfway over the table's edge in disarray. It slowly began to sag, moving closer and closer to falling down. At once, it slipped off of its holding and sailed to the floor, the pages crumpling. Had anyone been present to see it, they would have noticed the strange headline which the paper had opened to:

_WEIRD TRANSVESTITE ALIENS LAND!_

_COULD THIS BE THE END OF OUR PLANET AS WE KNOW IT?_

"Master, I have the paper you asked for," Riffraff said in a monotonous tone, stepping towards Dr. Frank N. Furter's chair.

Frank clapped his hands together twice in an impatient manner. "Well, bring it here then. What are you waiting for?"

"I'm sorry, Master," he replied, coming up to the chair's arm and holding the rolled up newspaper to Frank who snatched it away rudely and began to rummage through it quickly. "See anything?" He asked curiously, staring down at the paper over Frank's shoulder.

Frank shook his head to himself, turning the pages under his fingers. "No... nothing yet. Oh, this is just disappointing. It's already been three weeks that I've been looking for somewhere to move my laboratory-- but why am I telling you this? You already know," he said dishearteningly. He thumbed through the sections and came to the page where property ads were placed. He shut his eyes tightly and turned his head up to the ceiling, praying that there would be something. In several moments, he turned his head back down to the newspaper and opened his eyes.

A pained smile formed over his face, scanning his eyes over the ads for various trailer homes and shacks. He bit his lip and closed his eyes once more, about to close the newspaper. "Oh, I'll never find anything!" He moaned. He turned the page and opened his eyes and was faced with a bright, colorful ad displaying a picture of a large factory-like building.

Riffraff extended his hand to the paper, placing his fingers around its edge. "I'm sorry you didn't find anything, Master. Maybe there will be luck tomorrow," he said, pulling the paper away from Frank.

"Hey!" Frank shouted, grabbing at the paper and returning it to his lap. "I'm not finished with that... I think I saw something."

"You saw something?"

Magenta had appeared on his other side. "You saw something?"

As well, Columbia had appeared behind his chair. "You saw something?"

Frank offered a curt nod. "I saw something." He quickly brushed past the pages, returning to the one where he had seen the brightly colored ad. He looked the ad over in concentration, reading it in his head. A smile spread over his lips. "Yes... yes... this is good..." He pointed a finger at the small wording. "Says here it's got over one hundred different rooms. That's just what I'm looking for!" He continued to look the descriptions over and nodded. "I think I'll give this factory a visit. Who's selling it?" He asked, squinting to look at the bottom of the box. He spotted contact information and smiled. "A Mr. Wonka..."

With the snap of Frank's fingers, Riffraff quickly took the paper from his lap and held it at his side. Frank crossed a leg over the other and placed his hands on his knees. "I'll be visiting you soon, Mr. Wonka. Very soon," Frank said in a sly tone. He threw his head back and a long fit of maniacal laughter emitted from his mouth. Riffraff, Magenta and Columbia joined in and they all laughed together.

Frank abruptly stopped laughing and threw a cold stare toward his helpers. "Why are you laughing? I didn't say anything funny." With glum expressions, they all lowered their heads to stare at their feet in shame. After several moments, Frank threw his head back and continued to laugh once again. The three helpers looked at eachother unsurely, shrugged, then continued their laughter for a second time.


	2. Chapter 2

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Frank raised his eyes up to the gigantic building and gaped in awe. He noticed a large gate barring off entry to the building's grounds and approached it. After trying to open the gate and realizing that it was locked, he pouted, looking around for any way to get in. He saw a small black box mounted on the side of the gate and his joy returned. Frank pushed a small button on the front of the box and bent his head down in front of the speaker.

Several seconds following his pressing of the button, there was some static noise and then a miniature voice came over the intercom. "Wonka industries."

"Hello, um, I saw the ad in the paper this morning and I would like to see the factory."

There was a pause before the intercom clicked off and Frank was left standing in front of the gate, Riffraff, Magenta, and Columbia waiting patiently behind him. He raised an eyebrow and pressed the button again but there was no answer. In frustration, he pressed it over and over again, wishing for an answer of any kind. All of a sudden, his wish was granted. As though done by magic, the gates barricading his entrance to the factory's grounds began to move forward in front of Frank. He jumped back, pushing his helpers back as well, almost making them fall over. The gates stopped moving after they had completely opened and then there was nothing blocking his pathway any more.

He cleared his throat and began forward proudly, through the gates, walking along the path to the factory. Riffraff, Magenta, and Columbia followed along absently. Frank reached the doorway shortly. He stood in front of the large opening and raised a hand up to the bulky wooden door. After a slight hesitation, he brought his hand down in three short raps. "Ooh! I'm so excited!" He exclaimed, waiting for the door to open.

At once, the door began to part away, as had the gate several moments before, by itself. He stepped up onto the doorstep and turned to his helpers who stood indifferently. "You wait outside. I'll be back," he told them, then turned back into the opened doorway. He stepped a several paces within the building. As quickly as the door had opened, it suddenly began to close behind him. He watched in amazement, wondering how it was doing that. When it had closed, a small figure in the door's shadows scampered off into the darkness. Frank raised an eyebrow, nevertheless decided not to pay it much thought.

The factory's owner had been informed of the visitor. Standing many Feet above the entrance on a large stairway, he peered down to see Frank gazing around in wonder. He raised his cane in the air at Frank.

Out of the corner of his eye, Frank saw movement above and turned his head up to see a strange, pale man with a funny haircut, clad in black with a wine colored coat and a large black top hat. Frank offered a smile. "Uh, hello. I'm looking to expand my laboratory and I have quite a bit of money to spend. I saw your ad. You want to sell your factory?"

The man looked down at Frank and offered a strange smile of his own, his violet eyes brightening in a sickly way.

"Are you Mr. Wonka?"

The man nodded at him, continuing to hold his smile. He finally made an effort to move from his spot, and began descending the stairs slowly. Somehow even a simple action as descending a flight of stairs was made freakish by this man. As he reached the floor and stood in front of him, Frank extended a hand to be shaken.

An uneasy look came over Wonka's face. He looked as though he were about to lose his lunch. With much reluctance, he took Frank's hand after some moments. Frank shook his hand in a friendly enough manner, then lifted it to his mouth to plant a soft kiss on its backside.

Wonka drew his hand back immediately, a look of shock and disgust coming over his face. Frank let out a laugh and took a look around at the large factory. "So this is it?"

Wonka nodded sorrowfully. "Yep. Every last inch."

Frank giggled at the man's choice of words.

Wonka raised a brow. "Well, would you like me to show you a tour?"

"Sure."

"Alright then, follow me," He instructed, stepping forward and beginning to ascend the stairs he had been atop moments before. Frank followed behind, wondering where they were going. Wonka turned his head as he walked, glancing at his visitor. "There's so many rooms in my chocolate factory that it would be silly to travel the factory by foot. That's why we are going to take my most prized possession: my glass elevator."

"Glass elevator, eh? I've never seen one of those," Frank said, becoming interested in this strange invention.

"Well, it's one of a kind. My factory's the only one in the entire---" SMACK! Wonka was sent to the floor as he bumped his forehead right against the side of the invisible glass elevator.

Frank gasped and bent over to help him up. "Are you okay?" He asked with worry.

After returning his feet to the floor, Wonka straightened himself up and turned the pained look over his face into a crooked smile. "And apparently I never seem to see it either."

The doors of the glass elevator opened and they entered. Wonka placed his hand over the keypad anxiously and turned to his visitor. "Where would you like to go first... I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"

"Frank. Dr. Frank N. Furter. And you... you're..."

"Willy Wonka."

"Your name is Willy?"

"Yes."

Frank sighed in amusement and dropped his head off to the side, placing a finger to his lips. "I don't know why, but I just love the name Willy. It's just so... manly." He said, pulling his finger from his lips and running it along Wonka's chest until it reached his more _valuable_ areas.

Wonka gulped, pulling away and pressing his back against the glass wall. He stared at this strange visitor with widened eyes and did not take them off of him when he raised a hand back to the elevator's keypad and began pressing random buttons.

The elevator's doors closed and it immediately took off, passing over various rooms. They looked down on them from above. After regaining his breath from the recent shock, he settled down and pointed at the rooms as they went over them. "That's the testing hall... oh, and that is the sugar coating room... and this, well it's the packaging area... and I can't forget the chocolate stirring chamber... look! That's the bee pollinating room! Believe it or not, it's the nicest room in the factory. I just love to sit down with my bee hat and suit on and watch the honey getting made. It's so relaxing... I--"

"Hmm... you speak so highly of your factory. Why are you getting rid of it?"

Wonka's smile faded and he looked to the floor, seeing various rooms move past them under his feet. "Well, I just can't compete with them anymore. Those filthy thieves... they've run me out of business."

"Who?"

"Why, the spies of course."

"Spies?"

"Yes! Spies! They're all over! Always! They could be here... they could be there... they could be anywhere! Who knows... maybe you're a spy," Wonka said in a cold voice. His eye twitched in its socket and he pointed his cane at Frank's neck, cornering the man. "You're not a spy, are you?" He demanded in a raspy tone.

Frank shook his head, sweat beginning to appear on his forehead. Wonka nodded and backed away, his normal cheery expression returning. "Good... good!"

A smile came over Frank's face as well as he observed Willy Wonka. "Oh, Willy. You're so aggressive. A perfect male quality, you know."

Wonka's expression turned blank. He shook his confusion away and continued with his explanation. "It's because of the spies who go through any and all lengths to steal my top secret recipes that I have to close down. It's a shame, but I just can't keep it going anymore," He said, lowering his head sadly.

Frank looked at the man and saw that he appeared as though he were about to cry. A second later, however, he raised his head and Frank saw that he was beaming from ear to ear. "Let me take you to the only place in the entire factory better than the bee pollinating room!" He exclaimed, raising his hand to the keypad and smacking it down over a set of keys. "Hold on!" He shouted, gripping onto the wall to the best of his abilities before the elevator began flying around at rapid speed.

"Ahhh!" Frank yelled, grabbing onto the side for support so he would not fall over. Seconds later, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. Willy Wonka let go of the side of the elevator and moved out of the doorway, smoothing his hair back casually.

Frank let go of the side and clutched his stomach, knowing that he was going to be sick. He exited the elevator and stepped out to see the most amazing area of enchantment he had ever laid eyes upon. There were colorful trees and plants and greenery everywhere. Some of it looked very much like it were made of sweets... but that could not be possible, could it?

"Whoa," he simply said, stepping forward through the grass. He did not see Willy Wonka anywhere and began approaching a large mushroom. He extended a hand and pulled a large chunk free from its shiny surface. After inspecting it for a few seconds, he slowly brought it to his mouth and took a bite. He realized that it was the most delicious thing he had ever eaten!

Wonka appeared behind him, smiling. "I take it you like my candy?"

Frank nodded and Wonka continued to smile at him. "Come with me," He said, gesturing for Frank to follow him. As they walked, Frank was amazed by all of the strange creations which he had never seen before. All of his inventions were all so very different from Willy Wonka's.

A strange, small elephant caught Frank's attention and Wonka stopped in front of it, holding his hands out to Frank. "May I take your cloak?" He asked.

Frank's eyes were still on the elephant. It was about five feet high, purple with green polka dots, and from its trunk sprouted a sort of set of hooks. "Yes. Thank you," He said in a daze, removing his cloak and handing it to Wonka.

Willy Wonka was bound to have a heart attack with all of the horrible little surprises this Frank N. Furter kept delivering him. He observed the man's attire beneath the cloak which consisted of a strange black corset and small set of underwear with fishnet stockings and high heeled-shoes. With a blank expression over his face, he absently raised the cloak up to the elephant's trunk and tried to hang it over one of the sprouting hooks, but he missed and it floated down to the grassy floor.

A small man suddenly emerged from seemingly out of nowhere and bent to pick the fallen cloak from the floor. Another man appeared next to him, and then another, and then another... until there were quite a few. One by one, they each mounted eachother's shoulders until they stood high enough to reach the elephant's hooks. The bottom man passed the cloak up to the top man and he hung it securely over the hook.

Frank eyed this odd display with both wonder and disapproval. He made a face as the small men quickly debarked from eachother's shoulders, returning to the floor and scampering by him, disappearing.

"Who are these... minuscule specimens of man?" He asked curiously. The hook-elephant let out a long cry, drowning him out somewhat.

"They're Oompa Loompas."

"Oompa... Loompa... really..." He said distastefully.

Suddenly the lights went down and began to flicker in a rhythmical pattern. Frank turned to Wonka. "What's going on?" He asked nervously. Colored lights began to move all around.

"Oh, just watch," Wonka replied with a smile.

Frank shrugged and watched as these Oompa Loompas began to appear in great numbers all around various areas of the enchanted greenery. They positioned themselves in an orderly fashion and then a melody began to play. The Oompa Loompas moved with the music and began to sing a song as they danced.

Frank glanced at Wonka and saw him bobbing his head happily to the music. He sighed and turned back to the performance.

"Frank N. Furter, Frank N. Furter.

You're a hot dog, a strange one, a sinner, a pervert!

Frank N. Furter, you pervert, you pervert.

Keep your mitts off Wonka, he doesn't swing that way.

Keep your mitts off Wonka, he's really not gay!

Don't touch the package, hands off the merchandise.

Your foul moves were very much not surmised.

Filthy paws: away, away, away.

Wonka doesn't like the game you play.

You hot dog: you're sinister, you're vicious, your wicked.

Keep your filthy little paws always hidden."

When their tune had finished and the lights came back on, the little Oompa Loompas all stood silent in their places, staring at Frank without moving a muscle. He nodded to himself and offered a sad round of applause which echoed throughout the large room. He turned to Wonka, his expression turning very serious, and placing his hands on his hips. "By any chance would they know The Time Warp?" He asked, a smile coming over his face.

Wonka raised an eyebrow in confusion. Frank surveyed the Oompa Loompas and saw little eyebrows raise all around the room in succession. He stepped back and let out a long cackle.


	3. Chapter 3

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They stepped back into the glass elevator and took off once again, heading to various other rooms of the factory to continue Frank's tour. After reaching the invention room and stepping out, Frank surveyed all of the strange gadgets he could lay his eyes upon with awe. "What's this?" He asked curiously, staring at a large ball covered with springs that was mounted upon a table-like surface. He extended a finger, poked it lightly and it swayed under his touch, moving back and forth in a rhythmic pattern.

Wonka came up behind Frank and peeked over his shoulder to see what he was referring to. He pointed at it with his cane. "That would be a model of the new sugar sifter that's in development."

Frank watched as it moved back and forth with its rhythm. He scratched his head in befuddlement. "How is that a sugar sifter?"

"Well, first off you have a bucket of sugar and then... Oh, let me just show you," He replied, scurrying away and returning some moments later with a red bucket. He set the bucket on the floor and lifted his hands up to clap. A chain with a hook attached to its end began lowering from the ceiling. It stopped a foot above the ball with springs and Wonka placed the bucket on the hook.

Frank furrowed his brow. "Why would sugar need to be sifted in the first place?"

Wonka sighed in annoyance at all of these questions and lifted the bucket from the hook to place under Frank's view so he could see the contents. "Well... to get the nails out of course!"

"Nails!" Frank exclaimed seeing nails sitting amongst the sugar in the bucket.

"Nails... screws... glass... that kind of stuff is not very healthy and makes children feel icky in their tummies," Wonka explained, rubbing his stomach and pouting. He replaced the bucket onto the hook. "And that is why we sift the sugar. To clear the things that'll give the wee ones tummyaches," He said and pressed a button on the ball with springs.

"But why would there be nails, screws and glass in the--"

"Shhh! It's going to sift!" He said, tipping the bucket. Sugar began to pour over the spring covered ball. It moved back and forth by itself in its rhythmical pattern as the sugar passed over it and ran along the springs. There were two openings in the surface in which the sugar sifter was built. Frank could see that sugar was running into one opening and the waste was running into the other.

"That's amazing!" Frank said in wonder, watching the sugar become sorted and forgetting that the debris should not even have been there in the first place. He looked at Willy Wonka who nodded at him in agreement.

Suddenly the smooth rhythmic pattern of the sugar sorter became disturbed and it moved in odd ways, its speed picking up. The motor creaked and moaned and smoke began to rise from the ball. Its sorting reversed and the shards of glass and nails were dropped into the sugar opening, while the sugar was dropped into the rejected material. It fumed for several seconds more until the motor screeched to a halt and the spring covered ball exploded right in its spot, springs flying every which way.

"What happened?" Frank asked in a shock as he brushed springs from his hair with his hand.

"Oh, dear," Wonka said, paying little attention to Frank. He pushed smoke from his face and stared at the wreckage. "It always has to do that right there. I don't know what the problem can be. Of course, it's still being looked into..." He stroked his face in thought. "Perhaps it's the springs?"

"Mr. Wonka?"

"Or maybe it's the ball..."

"Mr. Wonka?"

"Oh... I hope it's not the sugar. I pay top price for that stuff and I--"

"Willy Wonka!"

He looked up at Frank. "Yes?"

"Shall we continue the tour?"

"Oh! Oh, yes. Certainly. Of course! Come along!" He instructed, stepping away from the fuming pile that once sorted sugar, and heading off deeper into the invention room. Frank threw one last glance at the smoking machine before following Wonka.

After inspecting several more not-quite-complete inventions and witnessing additional explosions, fires and disasters, Frank was satisfied with his observations of the invention room. He felt that the fabrications were pretty interesting, but none could measure by far to his own special creations. As they were leaving the room, Frank stopped in the doorway to take another gaze.

He turned to Wonka thoughtfully. "By any chance would you happen to have a sonic transducer?"

"A who-onic trans-what-er?"

"You know... a device capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time itself?"

"Ohhh...I see! I get it! I really, really get it! I know exactly what you're talking about! It's so clear now! I mean I can just-- no. I don't have one. This sonic transducer... what is it?"

"It is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory physio-molecular transport device."

"You mean..."

"Yes, Willy, it's something that has been worked on for quite some time by man. But it seems that I have found a means of perfecting it."

"That's amazing! If I weren't selling my factory, I'd have asked you to help build me one. Ah, well. Too bad," He said with a smile and stepped out into the hall. The glass elevator was ready and waiting and he entered, Frank following along behind. With the push of a button the doors sealed. Wonka furrowed his brow and tilted his head upwards. "Hmmm... You know what? I guess I've showed you everything there is to show so the tour's up. That's interesting... so what do you think of the factory? Would you like to buy it from me?"

Frank leaned back comfortably against the glass wall as the elevator moved smoothly through the factory. "No."

Wonka gaped at him. "No?" He exclaimed in confusion.

"I can't."

"Why not? I thought you told me that you had a lot of money. Isn't my factory good enough for you?"

"Oh, I do. And it is. But I just couldn't take something from someone when it gives them so much pleasure."

"Pleasure? But it's not giving me pleasure! It's a flop! Take it off my hands. Please!"

"I just can't."

Wonka crossed his arms over his chest and lowered his head to sulk. He'd never get to sell his factory.

Frank watched as Wonka sulked and frowned. "Hey man, don't be glum. Cheer up," He said, smiling and trying to get Wonka to feel better. "You know what? I just got an idea."

Wonka raised his head and looked at Frank. "Which is...?"

"What if we were to become a partnership?"

"Huh? You don't know the first thing about making chocolate."

"And you don't know the first thing about having a menage a trois, but hey, we can all learn... It would be best if we were a partnership. That way you wouldn't have to give up your factory and I could fund half of it for you. It would be fun. We can put our great minds together and invent some of the most amazing, wackiest things. What do you say?"

Wonka pondered on the proposition for a moment before replying. "Hmm... well okay, I guess," He agreed. A smile came over Frank's face and the elevator emitted a ding, reaching the set destination. They exited and stepped into a hall.

As they walked, Wonka turned to Frank. "What's a menage a trois?" He asked curiously, not having the slightest clue of what Frank could be talking about.

"Oh, Willy. You're too cute," Frank replied with a grin, tapping Wonka's face in a friendly manner. As they walked, Frank began to explain the details of a menage a trois to Willy Wonka. They turned the corner and entered the confectionery room.

"...so there's either two females and one male or two males and one female and that's how it's done. It's a perfect opportunity to get into some serious experimentation because..."

Wonka tuned him out, his whole body shuddering at Frank's vulgar talk. His eyes were as round as quarters as they fixed on Frank, and he supposed that if the man continued on with his repulsive topic any longer, he would suffer a brain hemorrhage or something similar of the sort.

Frank finished and let out a long sigh to himself. "Ahhh, Willy. Don't you just love sex?"

Wonka scoffed. "Sex? Ew."

"What do you mean, 'ew'?" Frank asked, highly offended by Wonka's cruel insulting of his favorite subject.

"You're a very gross man," Wonka replied, still cringing.

Frank shook his head, not understanding how any man could possibly consider sex to be disgusting. "Oh, Willy. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself over to absolute pleasure. Why... if you have a few extra moments I'd be happy to--"

Wonka's raised his cane quickly in front of him as a signal to stop, his eyes bulging from their sockets. He quickly shoved a hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out a handful of cue cards, several of them slipping out and falling to the floor in disarray. He squinted his eyes and began to read in a monotonous voice from the card..."The confectionery room is built with..."

Frank shook his head once again. "Tsk. Tsk."


	4. Chapter 4

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"What's this?" Frank asked, dipping his finger into a bowl containing a yellow substance.

"Puppy-dog custard, but don't put your fingers in there! You're contaminating the batch! And go put an apron on."

Frank licked off his finger and went over to another of the large elephant hooks which stood in the mixing room where they were. He took off an apron and returned to the long table where other large bowls of various candy substances sat. He dipped his finger into a brown goo and licked it. "And this?"

"No more tasting! Put on that apron!"

Frank sighed and licked the remaining goo from his finger. He slid the apron out from under his arm and put it on, tying it at the back. Approaching the bowls once again, he took a glance at Wonka, saw that he was focused on measuring a box of something green into a bowl, and slipped his finger into a red jelly-like material. He licked it off and smiled in delight at the wonderful flavor.

Wonka turned around and approached him. "Did I not tell you to keep your hands out?" He said, slapping Frank's extended hands with his cane.

"I'm sorry. It's just that your candy is so good! How do you get it that way? Some of it can even be considered as good as sex!"

Wonka made a face as Frank used the word 'sex', nevertheless replied, "Normally I never give my secrets away, but since you'll be working with me now I'll have to. There's no way to really explain it with words, you'll have to watch and see how it's done. Then you'll know."

Frank nodded solemnly and slid a hand out from under the cane to dip it into a bubbly liquid. Wonka frowned and let out a sigh.

The lights flickered and in a matter of seconds the room was filled with Oompa Loompas. They all focused their gaze on Frank who stared at them with an open mouth. One by one they each raised a finger to point at him accusingly.

"Keep your paws always hidden, you naughty little hot dog!" They shouted together, then the lights flickered once more and they were gone.

"Strange little critters, if I do say so myself," Frank muttered, licking the liquid from his hand. "Mmmm!" He exclaimed joyfully.

"Enough contaminating taste-tests now. We need to measure all of the contents of these boxes into these bowls," Wonka explained, gesturing to a table with a stack of boxes and bowls atop its surface.

"Why can't the Oompa Loompas do it? They seem to do everything else around here."

"Yes, well this is the one thing I don't trust them with because they always seem to get it wrong."

"Measuring? What's so difficult with measuring?"

"Uhh... well based on their meager sizes... they suffer severely from height envy."

"Height envy?"

Wonka looked around, making sure that no Oompa Loompas were present before leaning into Frank's ear and saying to him quietly, "The poor fellows always add on those few extra inches."

"Ohh," Frank sighed, understanding the situation now.

Wonka pulled back and shook his head to himself. "Yes... it's a shame. But I guess we get all the measure-iffic fun, then!" He exclaimed happily, throwing his hands up into the air and approaching the table with the piles of boxes and bowls. He propped his cane upright on the floor against one of the table's legs and filled his hands with bowls, covering the table with them. When there was no more room left, he picked up a big box and began pouring the contents slowly and carefully into a bowl. He turned around shortly and looked at Frank. "Well? Grab a box."

Frank approached the table and took a box, opening it. He looked at Wonka. "What do you measure it with?" He asked, not seeing any measuring utensils around.

"Oh, you don't have to use anything to measure it with. These are special boxes I've invented myself that have specific automated measuring contraptions built inside. You see, there's a small bird that's taught the units and he's stuffed inside this here box. Every time he chirps an inch has went by. You have to listen very carefully for the chirps, though, because some of the little buggers are very quiet. Oh! There's one. That's four inches in the bowl now..."

Frank listened to the explanation, feeling that the entire idea was peculiar. "You measure in inches? I've never heard of anyone measuring edibles in inches. Usually it's in grams... milligrams... ounces... but inches? This is a very strange operation indeed."

"Well, we're a very strange factory and strange factories call for strange operations-- Wait... that's not right... Strange operations call for strange factories? No... Hey, there's another chirp! Oh no, I've lost count. Where am I?""

"Five," Frank said dryly, staring down at the box in his hands. It wasn't true, what Wonka had said. There's couldn't possibly be a bird inside every box. Not only a bird, but a bird who knew the measurements of units. Frank looked down into the box, expecting to see whatever compound that was inside and nothing else, but when he looked down he saw a small pink bird who stared up at him. He gasped and pulled his eyes away, immediately holding the box over a bowl on the table and pouring the contents out into it. The substance slid into the bowl quickly, the bird chirping the inches. Chirp... chirp... chirp...

"Not so fast! You'll lose count and so will the bird!" Wonka instructed. "They're smart, but they're not _that_ smart."

Frank slowed his pouring down and looked at Wonka. "How many chirps-- uh, I mean inches, do I need?"

"Seven."

"Seven," Frank repeated after him. He had counted four chirps now. Chirp... chirp... chirp... "Okay. That's seven," Frank told Wonka after hearing the seventh one. He slowly pulled his box upward and looked at Wonka, wondering what to do next.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay!"

"Well don't just stand there! Measure the rest of the box and then move on to others," Wonka explained, putting his box which was now empty off to the side and grabbing a new one.

Frank nodded and put his box off to the other side and took a new one. After opening it, he peered down into the box's insides to see the small bird staring up at him from within. This one was blue and as Frank looked at it, it offered him a wink.

Frank's mouth fell. He shot a glance at Wonka. "That bird just winked at me!" He shouted in fear, pointing at the opening of the box in his hand.

Wonka nodded to himself and giggled. "Ha. Yeah. They do that sometimes."

Frank raised his eyebrow and stared at Wonka in complete shock. "But... birds... boxes... can't measure... no winking..."

"You're funny," Wonka remarked with a smirk. He looked down at the box in his hands and realized that he was missing one of the utensils that was needed to stir the contents of the bowls after they would be finished with their pouring. He sighed and looked back at Frank. "Can you turn around and go just a little bit over that way to the storage cupboard to get me a stirring wand?" He asked, pointing to a cupboard across the room.

Frank turned his eyes to the cane which lay propped up against the table's leg and pointed at it. "Isn't that a stirring wand?"

Wonka tittered at the foolish man. "No, silly," he said, picking the cane up in his hand and holding it up. "This is a cane, not a wand. There's a difference."

"Well. Excuse me, then, for incorrectly labeling your wand."

"Cane."

"Right."

"Right! Now can you please fetch it for me?"

"Sure," Frank replied smugly, setting his box on the table and turning in the direction of the cupboard. Wonka continued to measure out his box as Frank approached the cupboard and opened the door to reveal a large variety of strange utensils. Many of them he had never seen before in his life. He was pleased to find that under each utensil's resting spot on the shelf, there were small plaques mounted, stating the utensil's name and purpose. He spotted a plaque which had the words 'Stirring wand' inscribed upon it shortly after he had begun his search and grabbed the oddly-shaped-spoon-like apparatus from the shelf. He glanced it over once, then returned his eyes to the array of items in front of him, furrowing his brow as he lay them upon a peculiar item which carried the plaque inscription of 'x-ray gun'.

He turned his head to the side to casually peer behind his shoulder. After seeing that Wonka seemed to still be well-occupied with his measuring (at the moment, he was bobbing his entire body rhythmically and looked to be listening to some kind of music as he did so) Frank turned his vision back to the opened cupboard, bit his lip in concentration, then grabbed the small x-ray gun, shoving it into his tiny black underwear. He finished up by closing the cupboard's door and starting back in the direction of the pouring station.

Frank came back and observed the bobbing Wonka, sure that the man had been listening to music but there was none, afterall. "Shouldn't you save your dancing for when there's an actual tune?" Frank asked.

Wonka continued to bob, as though not hearing Frank. Then after a moment he stopped and peered at Frank curiously. "Okay, hand it over," he stated.

"Huh?" Frank asked, confused. "Hand what over?"

"You know what. The x-ray gun."

"What? But how did you know?" He asked in shock.

"I have eyes in the back of my head," Wonka said in a matter-of-fact voice. He turned around slowly, lifted his hand to push up his hair and pointed to back of his head.

"Really?" Frank asked in wonder, trying to spot these eyes.

Wonka let his hand drop back to his side as he turned around and laughed. "No."

"Oh. Then how?"

"Let's just say... a little bird told me..." Wonka explained, sounding very sly at the moment. Suddenly one of the small birds flew out from Frank's hair and seated itself on Wonka's shoulder. Frank shuddered, thinking of the thing being inside his hair, and watched as it chirped happily on Wonka's shoulder and offered him a wink, as the other one had done before.

"Now, Frank. What use could you possibly have with an x-ray gun? You know, if you're going to work for me, you--"

"I'm not working for you, I'm working _with_ you. This is a partnership."

"Yes, yes. It's all just apples and oranges, Frank. Apples and oranges. Now listen, I was saying that if we're going to be a partnership, I can't have you stealing my things. Can you assure me that you won't do it anymore?"

Frank offered a single curt nod. He raised a hand to his chest and made a cross. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Great!" Wonka replied in a cheery tone, which quickly dropped flat as he added, "Now get back to work."

Frank reached into his underwear and pulled out the x-ray gun, slamming it down on the table with one hand and slamming the stirring wand down next to it with the other hand.

"That was in your u-u-undergarments?" Wonka asked, gaping at the gun on the table.

Frank placed a finger on the metal and nodded. "Why, yes. Still warm, even."

The bowl fell from Wonka's hands and hit the floor, the contents spreading all around as he fell backwards along with it, passing out cold on the floor. The shock had been too great. Frank shrugged and dipped his finger into some of the substance that had been in Wonka's bowl, but had splashed over the table. He licked his finger and a smile came over his face as he exclaimed, "Mmmm! Strawberry!"


	5. Chapter 5

---

5

---

Frank and Wonka walked through one of the halls, discussing their future business together. In all truth, Frank was a bit tiresome when it came to all this candy talk. After listening to Willy Wonka go on about some kind of tart... or toffee... or whatever he had been talking about, (Frank wasn't really paying attention) for ten whole minutes without any pauses, he was ready to ditch the entire candy enterprise and move on to more interesting developments.

"... so that's why I like the chocolate covered one better."

"Oh... that's interesting..." Frank replied, uninterested, not having the slightest clue of what Wonka could be going on about.

"Yes, I mean it's just so much more--"

"Uh, I'm sorry for cutting you off, Willy, but I had hoped that we could talk about something a little more... worth while."

"More worth while than _candy_? And that would be..."

Frank stopped walking and stood still in the hall, Wonka following suit and standing in front of him. "Well, have you ever considered getting into genetic engineering?" Frank asked, turning to the wall. "This factory seems like it would be perfect for conducting tests of the sort needed for my human experimentation," he explained, running his hand along a beam and inspecting it's durability. "Yes, everything here certainly seems strong enough to withstand my tests..."

"No, Mr. Furter. I have not considered this 'genetic engineering' even once in my life and I suppose I never will. People were not meant to be played around with, they're meant to be fed. With candy! _My_ candy. There's no greater business than candy, you see."

"No, Willy, I don't see. I have experimented with many different subjects and nothing has ever went wrong... well yes it has, but it's all small things. I mean, who really needs to be able to talk anyway?"

"Uhh..."

"I've worked wonders in my genetic research. Why, just several months ago I made myself a son. His name was Eddie. There's were a few minor problems with him, but other than that he was a nice kid... Of course he never could seem to find the time to spend with his father..."

"Why do you speak of him in the past tense? Where is he now?"

"Ahh... in my freezer. In pieces."

"In pieces!"

"Don't worry, they're big pieces."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Okay, well a few weeks ago I made another man, this time a lover."

Wonka shivered, thinking of lovers... _male_ lovers for that matter!

"And in order to make him, I needed a brain."

"Why, of course."

"Yes, so my supply of brains was short that day."

"I hate when that happens."

"So I decided to split Eddie's brain between the both of them."

"That's smart thinking. I bet you have a _whole_ brain, right?"

"But then Eddie started acting... funny."

"I can always use a chuckle or two every so often."

"Not that kind of funny."

"Oh."

"So I had to kill him to end his suffering. And I used an axe."

"Hey, whatever you can get your hands on, I guess."

"And now he is, as I've said, in pieces. It's a bit sad, but I have my Rocky to cheer me up. He's just perfect in every possible way. He's perfect because _I_ made him."

"Who's Rocky?"

"My lover."

"Ew."

"No, more like _yum_."

"And where is Rocky now?"

"Well, he's currently locked up in a cage."

"A cage!"

"Well, I have to, or else he'll be set on fire!"

"Set on fire!"

"My helpers do naughty things to him-- but not the kind of naughty I fancy. Poor baby... they'll chase him around... set wild dogs loose on him... set him on fire... you know, the usual."

"Your helpers sound bizarre."

"Ah, yes. A set of strange fellows indeed... I-- Oh, no. I knew I was forgetting something."

"What?"

"Whoops... will you excuse me for a moment? Oh, and might I use your phone?"

"Of course. Just ask an Oompa Loompa if you see one and he'll help you."

Frank turned away and began through the hall, passing various suites as he moved. With the mention of his helpers, he remembered finally that he had left them alone outside a rather long time ago. He wondered if they were still there... as he walked he must have taken a wrong turn, because he did not recognize the area in which he stood whatsoever.

"Umm... little Oompa Loompa people?" He asked to the air. He waited a few moments but nothing special happened. "Oompa Loompas? Come out, come out wherever you are!" He called louder this time in a singsong voice. But nothing continued to happen. "Come here, you filthy little Oompa Loompa buggers!" He yelled, his voice bouncing off the walls and echoing. At first he thought that nothing was going to happen again, but suddenly a small trap door opened in the side of the wall and several Oompa Loompas marched out, positioned in line, and stopping in front of Frank. They formed a circle around him, closing off his path.

"Uh, hi," Frank began foolishly, feeling awkward talking to these strange little people. "Could you be so kind as to lead me over to the front entrance? I've some business to take care of."

The man who stood directly in front of Frank in the circle of Oompa Loompas nodded his head at Frank and then the one next to him copied the act, the next one... and the next one... until all of them had nodded at him in succession. The middle man stepped out of place, breaking the circle, and starting forward through the hall Frank had begun to travel. The men followed along one after another in a little lineup. Frank moved with them, standing at the end of this small squad as they lead him through the factory and to the entrance where he had come through only several hours before.

As they stopped and turned to look at him, he nodded his head in thanks and pulled out of the lineup, moving to the front door. He placed his hand around the door's handle and pulled, revealing the gloomy outside. It seemed to have rained at some point in the time he had spent within the factory with Wonka. He slowly stepped down onto the ledge and peered out, letting his hand slide off of the door. It quickly shut behind him with a bang which made him jump and he sighed in frustration as he had splashed himself by jumping in a puddle. Not only that had made him nervous, but also the fact that the door had closed. Almost surely, it would have locked behind him. Making sure of this, he grabbed onto the bulky door's handle and tried pushing it in, but the door was locked as he had assumed.

He kicked at the ground in annoyance and splashed himself once more. Cursing under his breath and wiping his legs off, he began walking around to the side of the factory, on the lookout for his helpers because he had not seen them anywhere yet. It was quite chilly outdoors and he regretted not taking his cloak before stepping out. But it was too late now. He placed his hands on his upper arms and rubbed, trying to bring heat into his body as he walked.

As he turned the corner and expected to find the lot empty, instead he was greeted by the dull expressions of his helpers who had withstood the rain and cold to wait for their master to return to them finally.

"You're still here?" Frank asked, surprised.

"You did not order us to leave yet, Master," Riffraff explained.

"We only follow your orders," Magenta added.

Columbia threw displeased glances at them, then turned her focus on Frank. "What took you so long?" She asked, poking a finger on Frank's chest. She moved forward. "We've been freezing out here for hours." She poked him again and moved closer. "It better be good," she added, adding another poke as well. She stood directly in front of him now, offering a menacing look. Riffraff and Magenta cowered in behind.

"It _is_ good," Frank replied, stepping away from Columbia's threatening finger.

"Is the factory ours?" Magenta asked.

"Well, no."

"Then how is that good?"

"My dear servants, I've gone into a partnership with the man who runs this company."

"You did what!" Magenta cried.

"But master! He'll find out that we're ali--"

"Shhhh!" Frank hushed, placing a hand over Riffraff's mouth. "Not so loud! This place could be crawling with spies!"

"Spies!" Columbia cried now.

"You've done us in now, Master. You've really done us in," Magenta sighed.

"There's no harm in it all, it's the perfect place to set up my laboratory. And nothing bad will happen as long as some of us are able to keep our little mouths shut!" Frank yelled, roughly removing his hand from Riffraff's mouth. "Now, I want all of you to come inside to take a look around the place. Afterall, we _will_ be living here from now on, you know. Come inside, I was just about to call up a set of movers to move all of our equipment here."

They turned the corner and walked to the door. Frank tugged on the handle once again, hoping that it had somehow magically unlocked while he had been away, but it still remained the same when he tried. "Oh, pooh," He said in frustration, kicking at the door with his high-heeled shoe. He hurt his toes and began hopping around in pain.

Suddenly the door opened in one swooping motion and Wonka peeked his head through, the action nearly giving Frank a heart attack. Wonka straightened and scratched his head in confusion, a goofy grin coming over his face. "Why are you all the way out here?" He asked, dumbfounded. "It's raining."

"We know," Frank said, displeased.

"We?"

Frank furrowed his brow and gestured to the set of people who stood behind him. "These are my esteemed confidantes. Magenta, Columbia and Riffraff," Frank introduced, pointing at each one as he said their names.

Wonka shifted his cane to the other hand and lifted the free hand to his forehead, the way a person would place their hand as though they were looking off into the distance and wanted to shield the sun. He hunched forward and scanned the area, then stood straight again and shook his head. "Nope. I don't see anyone here at all."

"What? They are standing right next to me, I don't know how you could miss them!"

Wonka shook his head again. "Alright, I'll try again. But no guarantees," he said, hunching forward again and placing his hand against his forehead. He scanned the distance once more, then returned to his normal position. "No one's here. I think you need to have your eyes checked."

"No. _You_ need to have _your_ eyes checked. How can you say there's no one here? Magenta, say something."

"I would like to return to Transyl--"

"That's good enough," Frank interrupted, throwing her a cold glance. "See? She spoke, so she has to be real."

Wonka sighed. "Well... if you say so, I guess," He humored, turning away and rolling his eyes. He shivered from the cold of the opened doorway and stepped into the factory. "Come back inside. Don't want you catching a cold and sneezing all over my candy. That would be very unpleasant. I'd have to pick off each piece of mucus before packaging and it would waste a lot of time."

Frank shrugged to his helpers and stepped back inside the factory, the rest of the group following along. They gazed at the large innards in awe, wondering what went on in a place like this. At once, the door slammed behind them with a bang, making them jump and turn to the doorway. An Oompa Loompa giggled at them and scampered away.

"Master, what is that?" Magenta asked, aghast, pointing where the little man had been moments before.

Frank turned his head away, scratched his neck, coughed... bought his time... before muttering, "Oompa Loompa."

"What?" Columbia asked, not having the slightest clue at what Frank had said. He began forward in a quick pace, in the direction he had seen Wonka take. "Oompa Loompa," he repeated as he marched forth.

"I didn't quite catch that, master," Riffraff said as he and the girls followed along behind Frank.

Frank suddenly turned on his heels, stopping his pace, and shouted, "They're Oompa Loompa's! Tiny little freaks who perform works here at this factory!"

Every light, machine and process in the factory turned off and for a moment Frank thought there had been a power failure. After a few more moments, however, a spotlight was turned on and placed on Frank. He shielded his eyes from the burning glow and looked up to see these little Oompa Loompa creatures descending from the ceiling from ropes. They dangled from every which way over Frank and his group and a colored spotlight fell over one particular man. A rhythm began from somewhere and he began to sing,

"Frank N. Furter don't you misjudge,

we are people too.

Frank N. Furter have some feeling,

We don't come from a zoo.

Oompa Loompas know more than you ever will know too

That's why we know the tricks to scaring you

So, Frank N. Furter, watch your back,

Because we're coming after you."

All the Oompa Loompas then joined in for the chorus:

"We're watching you when you least expect it,

we're watching you, you just don't get it.

We're after you, you did us wrong,

and now you're going to pay.

We're after you so watch your back,

We might even strike today."

"Oh, watch your back,

We're after you,

You did us wrong,

You're going to pay,

All this is true.

"Watch your back,

We're watching you,

We'll strike sometime,

We won't say,

You haven't a clue.

"We... are... watching...

"YOU!" When the final word was spoken, there was a large explosion and the entire factory filled with smoke. A moment later, as the smoke began to clear away, the Oompa Loompas had vanished as well as the colored lights and the spotlight that had been set over Frank. The power had come back on and it almost was as it the whole thing had never even happened. But Frank knew that it had, he would never forget this performance for as long as he lived... which, according to the Oompa Loompas, was not a long time more at all.

Willy Wonka emerged from the smoke and placed himself next to Frank. He squealed in delight. "Oh, I just love it when they do that!"


	6. Chapter 6

Frank squeezed his eyes closed tightly and kept them shut, shaking his head. "No, no, no! This is all a dream, this is all a dream!" He screeched in a paranoid tone. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder from behind and at the same moment there was the sound of an explosion in the factory. Frank's eyes opened immediately to see that everything had returned to normal as though the Oompa Loompas had never come to scare him with their threatening song. The hand upon his shoulder was that of Willy Wonka.

"Tsk tsk. Now let's not get our panties in a bunch!" Wonka exclaimed, tapping the end of his cane on the ground making clacking noises. "The Oompa Loompas are harmless, simple little creatures. They wouldn't even hurt a fly! Well... I suppose they'd have to, though, in the factory because no one wants flies in their bubble gum-- Unless... hmm..." He pondered to himself, moving his hand to hold his chin. He whipped out a small notepad and pen from a pocket of his coat and scribbled down a small reminder.

With a look of shock, Frank peered over the pad to read:

!NEW!

_WONKA BRAND_

Super Duper Fly Flavored Gum

-with real flies for that extra ZING!-

!WOW!

"But... but... they're going to strike!"

"Oh no they won't"

"They'll make me pay!"

"Hah, that's funny."

"I did them wrong!"

"You're a hoot and a half!"

"They won't say!"

"Now you're just jumping to conclusions, you... you... conclusion jumper! Hey, I like the sound of that," Wonka said cheerily, adding another scribble on the pad underneath the previous one.

_Wonka's_

_CONCLUSION JUMPERS_

Pop 'em in your mouth and watch 'em fret!

Flavors include - Cherry, apple, blueberry and... _worrywart_.

"Hm. That seems about right," Wonka said, reading back his notes in his head. He flipped the book closed and returned it to his coat pocket. "You know, it's fun dilly-dallying around here... you know... just standing around and doing nothing... but you know, the candy's not going to make itself. Well, it is, but I like watching it because it's like really nifty. Actually, there was something that I needed to attend to. What was it? Oh yeah, there's a machine I have and I can't quite seem to get it to work. Maybe you can help me out with that."

"Yeah... yeah, sure," Frank replied absently, trying to shake off the fright the Oompa Loompas had instigated upon his mind.

"Good! Follow me then," Wonka said, walking forward, towards the entrance of a room. Frank turned to Magenta, Riffraff and Columbia and shrugged at the confused bunch. He motioned for them to follow him in the direction Wonka had disappeared in.

Entering the room, Frank and his group laid their eyes upon the biggest machine they had ever seen. All four walls of the room were covered in a spread of a sort of super-computer. "Wow, Willy! What is this?"

"Meh. It's the central control computer of the factory. It's the thingamajig that's in charge of all the other machines. The problem I've been having lately is that all my other machines have been working really really slowly and it's put me behind in my manufacturing. And that is totally sucky." Wonka explained, moving to different parts of the computer and flipping various switches and pushing buttons. Beeps were emit and many lights flashed as he continuously did so. "Yeah, so to make up for all this time, I'm trying to put it on warp speed but it's not working."

"Did you say... warp?" Frank asked, his eyes beginning to glow.

"Yes. You see, I'm flipping this switch here," He demonstrated, flipping a switch. "and I'm pulling this lever down a step," he said, pulling the lever. "But it's not working. See?" He said, pointing to a large screen on the back wall. The message on the screen said "ERROR."

Frank took a step forward, his heel clicking upon the tiled floor. A devilish look had formed on his face. Wonka looked at him awkwardly, wondering what had come over the man. "Do you think you can help me?"

Frank slowly advanced until he was standing next to Willy Wonka. Magenta, Columbia and Riffraff stood in the open doorway, peering nervously at the two men, wondering what would happen next.

"You want your machine to... er... perform a sort of... _time warp_, you say?"

"Yes, that's it."

Frank extended his hand to the switch. "You were flipping this switch to the right, when, you see, it's really just a jump to the left," Frank explained, making the switch jump to the left.

The three helpers in the doorway had lined up and each took a jump to the left in unison with the switch.

"Ahh... that makes sense," Wonka replied, not noticing the helpers.

"And this lever? You had pulled it downwards and then moved it towards the left, hm? Well, you really should have pushed it upwards, and then a step to the right."

The three helpers took a step to the right in unison.

The lights of the large computer blinked all over and a puff of steam emit from a large pipe in the right corner. After several seconds it beeped and then on its large screen a message showed, reading "WARP SPEED SUCCESS."

"Hey, good job!" Wonka said happily.

"With your hands on your hips," Frank continued, placing his hands on his hips. He eyed his helpers, seeing that they had all done the same, and nodded.

"You bring your knees in tight."

"Huh?"

"But it's the pelvic THRUST!" Riffraff cried.

"That really drives you insane! Let's do the time-warp again!" Magenta and Columbia sang.

Finally Wonka seemed to not be so blind and he noticed the three members in his factory. "Who are they and what are they doing!"

Frank took Wonka by the arm and pulled him out of the room back into the main hall, where all the Oompa Loompas had come out again and had created a set up for the Time Warp.

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

Everyone sang. Lights flashed and there was a musical accompaniment provided by the little Oompa fellows. Frank didn't know how or why they would know the Time Warp, but they did and it was great fun to perform the song once again.

Columbia clicked her way out of the crowd of gathered Oompa Loompas and began to do a dance solo. She tipped her hat and began to tap dance in a spotlight.

"Well I was walking down the street just having a think. When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again."

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"Let's do the time-warp again!"

"What's going on?" Wonka asked in confusion as Frank tried to make him dance to the music. "Why, Willy, we're doing the Time Warp!"

"What's a Time Warp?"

"What _isn't_ a Time Warp?"

"What? That makes no sense."

"Does it? does it really?"

"No, it really doesn't make any sense. Tell me right now what's really going on."

"Oh, Willy. Just kick back and enjoy yourself for once. You're too uptight about things."

"I am not!"

"Are too."

"Are not! Look, I'll show you!" Wonka argued back, stepping into the middle under the spotlight. "Would an uptight person do... this?" He asked, snapping his fingers. From a cutout in the ceiling a small patch of wood flooring began to drop down, attached by strings, until it touched the floor. Wonka cut the strings and in seconds he was on the floor, dancing like a maniac. After a minute of warm up, Wonka got on the floor and, as unbelievable as it could be, began to break dance. The strangest thing was that he was actually good at it.

Frank continued to do the Time Warp, only his mouth was wide open as he watched the choclateer gettin' jiggy with it on the floor.

After several minutes Wonka stopped and did a backwards flip from the floor to land back upon his feet again. He made his way through the dancing Oompa Loompas and returned to Frank. "Wow, Willy! I didn't think you had that in you!"

Wonka brushed himself off in a very cool and casual manner and opened his mouth to reply, however he was cut off by a whistle from one of the Oompa Loompas. Wonka turned his head to see his can being tossed to him. He caught it in his right hand and pointed it to the ground and leaned against it.

"Well, now you know to never challenge Willy Wonka in a coolness duel. I'll always end up being the victor."

"Who says that you won? And who says that this was a 'coolness duel'? It's all good fun, Willy. Not everything has to be a contest."

"Not everything has to be a contest! Are you insane? Everything must always be a contest! Forever! Always! Everything is a contest! Everything... everything... contest..."

Wonka's thoughts faded together and he began to have some sort of strange flashback to when he was a little boy...

"Hi daddy!"

"What do you have there, William?" Wonka's father asked.

"Oh, it's nothing really special," Willy replied, holding out the paper in his hand to his father. "It's just my report card."

"Ahhh..." The father replied, looking over the marks. "What's this? An 80 in English? An 84 in Phys. Ed.? A 78 in History? A 94 in Home Ec.? William! What have you been doing all this time?"

"What do you mean, daddy? My marks are very good, if ask me."

"Well I was talking to your friend Petey's Mother just before you arrived. His marks were much better than yours. In fact he got about 6 points higher than you in everything except Home Ec."

"Well... daddy... it's not like this is a contest or anything. I'm not trying to beat anyone."

"Oh, well that's where you are wrong, son. It is a contest. Everything is a contest!"

"Now you're talking crazy, daddy. How can everything be a contest? You mean, if I'm reading a book it's a contest?"

"Yes."

"Riding a bike?"

"Yes."

"Shoveling snow?"

Yes.

"Using the toilet!"

"Yes! Everything is a contest! And don't you forget that, William. Because if I see these kinds of failures ever again I will stop feeding you!"

"But daddy!"

"Life is a contest."

Young Willy frowned and repeated dully after his father: "Life is a contest."

Wonka's flashback faded away and he was left standing in the hall once again. The Oompa Loompas had performed another disappearing act and were gone. The music was over. Frank was standing next to him still. "Is everything all right, Willy?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, sure... I just need to go lie down for a bit, I guess."

"Okay."

Wonka turned around and began to head in the direction of the sitting room. Only he was not able to make it there. BAM! He knocked into the glass elevator on his way and was out cold. Frank approached the fallen Wonka and peered over him sadly. "Well... at least he's lying down like he wanted to."


	7. Chapter 7

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7

---

As Frank watched the unconscious Wonka, there was a sudden rapping at the front door. Frank's head bolted upwards and he peered around the room, waiting for the little Oompa Loompas to answer it as they usually do. After several moments, however, there was no sign of them. Obviously since Wonka was in no condition to answer the door himself... Frank threw a nervous glance at his helpers who threw him nervous glances of their own in return. "I think you should answer it, master," Magenta told him.

Frank nodded to himself. "Yes, that could work," He said, walking in the direction of the door.

He placed a hand over the door's brass knob and slowly began to pull, backing away from the opening door at the same time. He feasted his eyes upon his guests and let out a horrified shriek.

"Brad! Janet!" Frank cried. Magenta, Riffraff and Columbia had gathered behind him in the open doorway.

"Frank!" Brad cried in return.

"Brad!" Frank cried.

"Frank!" Janet cried.

"Janet!" Frank cried.

"Frank!" Brad and Janet cried together.

"Brad! Janet!" Frank cried.

"Frank!" Brad and Janet cried again.

"Brad! Janet!" The group behind Frank cried.

"Ahhhhhh!" They all cried in unison.

"Holy smokes, Batman! Why are you here?" Brad cried.

"I've become the co-owner of this factory! Why are _you_ here?"

"We're on a tour!" Brad replied, motioning to several people standing behind him who looked very much like tourists, what with the way they were dressed and the cameras hanging from around their necks. They chattered amongst themselves, not noticing the situation at the door.

"Ahhh!" Frank replied, slamming the door in their faces. He opened it seconds later to find the couple and other tourists still standing on Wonka's stoop. "You're still here!"

"It's raining! I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!" Janet cried.

Frank pouted. "Well... alright." He gave in, moving out of the way from Brad, Janet and the rest to enter into the factory. He watched as the crowd poured in and then closed the door behind them as they made their way inside.

Brad turned to Frank's helpers. "Well, aren't you going to dry us off and take our clothes like last time?" Brad asked, lifting his arms over his head so that one of them could remove his sweater and shirt.

The helpers simply rolled their eyes at him. "We're under new management now," Magenta replied.

Columbia smirked. "Besides, I already know what's under there, boy-o, and let me tell you: it's not something I'm dyin' to see again."

Brad and Janet frowned at the rudeness, Brad lowering his arms back to his sides.

"So, this is Willy Wonka's amazing Chocolate Factory, eh?" Janet asked.

"No, this is Willy Wonka's and Dr. Frank N. Furter's amazing Chocolate Laboratory Invention Factory of Experimentation of Dooooom and Confectionery," Frank replied smugly.

"That's a pretty long name you've got going there."

"Well, I still have to walk it past Wonka himself, but I think it's alright."

"Speaking of Willy Wonka, where is he?" Janet asked curiously.

"He's... well... right there," Frank said, pointing across the hall to a strange red and black lump on the ground.

"What do you mean? What is that? Is that a person? Is it even alive?" Brad questioned.

"Oh, yes. He's alive. He just finished break dancing, though, so he's very tired. I suggest that you don't disturb the poor baby."

Brad cleared his throat. "Ahem. Uh, Frank I see you're still-- how shall I put this-- rooting for both teams?"

Frank offered a small chuckle. "You are correct, Brad Majors. Both teams are still going strong for me. And they always will be," he replied, winking at Brad.

Brad gulped and stepped back nervously, bumping into Janet. "Ow! Watch where you're going, Brad."

"Are you two hitched yet? Last of what I could remember, the both of you were... he he he... _engaged_. Even though I suppose letting me pleasure you, as well as letting my sweet Rocky pleasure you--" he said, throwing a hateful look towards Janet who began to blush. "didn't really give the impression of so."

"Yeah, we're married now. And no more of your hanky panky. I'm still hurting from that night after all these years."

Janet threw a confused look at Brad, then shook it off.

Several cameras began to emit flashes from behind Brad and Janet.

"Excuse me! Excuse me!" Frank said to the tourists. "I'm sorry, but there will be no flash photography allowed in the factory. From the stories of spies that Wonka himself has told me, I highly doubt that he will allow people to capture the essence of his workshop. I know that I wouldn't."

Tourists sighed and frowned. "That's not fair," one man said, shaking his head.

A few more flashes went off and then there were none.

"Very well, then. You people are on a tour? I'm not sure if Willy normally allows tours, but since I am co-owner now I will allow it. A tour... hmm... well... a tour then is what I will make this! Come along with me," Frank said, walking away. The group of people formed a line behind Frank and followed in his direction, Brad and Janet at the front, behind Frank.

"Hey I've got a question!" A man called from the back. Frank stopped and turned on his heels, looking for the person who had asked the question. A man popped out from behind the others and began to speak. "Who are you and why are you dressed like that?"

"I'm Dr. Frank N. Furter. Like I've said, as of today I have become the co-owner of this factory," he paused to think about the next part, then rolled his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with allowing your true self to show through your choice of apparel. Dressing this way makes me feel comfortable and, sir, if you have some sort of problem with that then I suggest you leave immediately."

"No, I don't have a problem. I was just wondering where I could get an outfit like that for myself."

Several of the tourists in front of the man turned around and gave looks of awe before returning to their normal stance.

Frank cleared his throat. "Oh. I see. Well this outfit is one of a kind. Besides, I really don't think it would suit you. Sorry."

The man frowned and Frank turned back to face forward, continuing his pace. They reached the unconscious Willy Wonka and the tourists all gathered, forming a circle around the laying body.

"What's wrong with him?" A man asked.

"Oh, he's just bumped his head."

"Why is he so pale!" a woman wondered.

"Well that's because-- Hm... well I guess I'm not sure of that one."

"I thought this factory was going to be sold. Isn't it a flop? No one buys candy any more!" A man said.

"If no one buys candy anymore, sir, then why are you here?"

"I thought this tour would be nifty."

"Okay? What is this tour for, anyway? No one has told me the organization which is in charge of this arrangement."

One man stepped forward in front of Brad and Janet and began to explain. "It's with the Denton refresher class. We're learning about confectionery and how to use it to please your lover."

"Hmm... that sounds interesting," Frank pondered. "And who did you say was in charge of this?"

"A Doctor Everett Scott. He's--"

"Doctor _Von_ Scott! I should have know that you two were going to bring him in the picture again to meddle with my affairs! Well, this tour is over! Everyone leave!" Frank yelled as he began pushing the crowd back in the direction of the doorway. The crowd chattered angrily.

"But it hasn't even begun yet!" A woman yelled anxiously to Frank.

Frank stopped pushing. "You're right," he said, his voice taking on a sly tone. The devilish look formed over his face once again as it had before in the computer room.

"Brad, I'm scared," Janet whispered to Brad.

"It's okay, Janet. Everything is going to be alright."

"Come, let's all get into the elevator," he said softly, walking back towards the fallen Wonka.

After Frank's little outburst, the tourists were a bit confused and scared of Frank's intentions. Janet turned to Brad with a nervous look on her face. "What should we do, Brad?"

"Well... I paid for this tour. I say we get our money's worth."

Janet gulped as they walked along to Frank.

"Where's this elevator? I see nothing!" A man shouted.

"Why, it's right here," Frank said, pointing to an empty area above Wonka.

"There' nothing there," a woman replied.

"Oh? Is there?" Frank asked, lifting a hand up. He knocked three times upon the empty area and a sound could be heard as though he were knocking upon a door.

"Wow, that's strange," Brad said, adjusting his glasses and trying to peer more closely at the... er... empty space.

"All aboard!" Frank called, stepping out of the way of the door and motioning for the tourists to enter. They walked in one by one until they had all fit inside. Frank entered after everyone and pushed the button on the wall to shut the door. The door closed with a slight banging noise and Frank pressed several other buttons.

"Hey, maybe you shouldn't have left that Willy Wonka guy lying there like that. He looked pretty ill," a woman spoke, breaking the elevator's silence.

"He'll be okay. From what I've seen so far, he is prone to these kinds of... concussions on a daily basis. Now let's get moving!" He shouted just as the elevator began to take off with a jolt. Everyone was thrown forward, clinging onto eachother and trying to keep their balance as the hellish machine raced through the factory.

"Hey, man. Do you even know where you're going?" A man asked.

Frank chuckled to himself as he stared the man in the eye. An uneasy feeling fell in the tourist's stomachs. Finally after brief pause, Frank replied, "No, not the slightest clue."

The tourists' eyes bulged and they screamed frantically, turning to the walls and clawing, trying to get off of this ride from hell, but Frank kept his calm and only chuckled more, the noise moving into a steady laughter. He pressed several buttons on the wall randomly and the contraption seemed to head out of control. They moved so fast through the rooms that everything was merely a passing blur of color.

"Let us out!" Janet cried, grabbing onto Brad.

"Oh yes, Janet. I like it when you scream. Louder, baby!" Frank encouraged in his sly tone.

"You... you... you shut up! I've had enough of your antics, Mister! It was already enough what you did to us years ago in your castle, but now you're just pushing it! Let us out, you... hot dog!" Brad yelled, grabbing Frank by the shoulder.

Frank moaned delightfully. "Oh, Brad... harder! Harder!" He screamed in reply, getting closer.

Brad immediately let go of the man and stepped backwards, into the tightly packed group. "You make me sick," He said, revolted, and squeezed Janet close.

Several people obviously were not able to handle the rush, because sooner or later the elevator began to reek with the stench of vomit. Many keeled over, clutching the wall so they wouldn't lose balance, and hurled their lunch. Weak groans and pleas to stop could be heard amongst the sound of the regurgitating.

"Let me out!" A man screamed, pounding on the glass.

Frank sighed. "Well, if you simply insist," He said with a bit of disappointment. He leaned over several people and tapped some buttons of the elevator. At once, the elevator's speed decreased, only to begin plummeting downwards at an increased pace. "Whoopsie daisy!" Frank said, pushing another button which turned the jets back on and began to bring the elevator down slowly until it reached its destination.

The elevator touched onto the floor and rested, its doors opening to the enchanted candyland which Wonka had previously shown to Frank. The tourists exited the 'vehicle', clutching their stomachs in pain.

"Hey! Where are we, you idiot? I just want to get out of here," A man spoke.

"Hours ago I was treated by Wonka himself to the pleasures of this beauty. It is only in my most humble nature that I must treat you so kindly as well," Frank explained.

The last person to step from the elevator and onto the grass was a woman. She seemed fine, however as she took her first step onto the grass, she immediately keeled over and let out whatever that had been lying in the pits of her stomach.

Frank made a face as the woman got back to her feet and continued walking. "I don't think Willy is going to appreciate that..." Frank said sadly, shaking his head. He looked at the gathered people and smiled. "Help yourself, my guests, " He said simply, then walked away to find some delicacies of his own to munch on.

The people shrugged and slumped around to various plants and fruits they could find, sampling them merrily after what had just happened to them. It was after ten minutes, however, when Frank called everyone back to return to the elevator, that the candy didn't seem to taste so sweet anymore. The sight of the contraption which had tossed and turned them previously, made their stomachs quiver and shake.

"Now I _really_ don't feel so well," the woman who had puked before when stepping out said, clutching her stomach.

"Oh no," a man said, using the elevator's side as a support for holding and lowering his head to release his ingested material.

"Uh oh," Frank replied in turn, gasping at the mess that everyone was making. This was not good at all. Willy would be furious with him! With nothing else to resort to, Frank's only way he could see the mess being cleaned up was if he called the Oompa Loompas to do it. He knew they were angry at him, though, but he didn't want to risk making Willy Wonka become mad at him as well. He was just to much of a cutie for Frank to hurt.

Frank put his fingers together and brought them to his lips to whistle. "Errr... Oompa Loompas?" He called. He waited but nothing was happening. Why did he always have to have trouble with this? "Oompa Loompas!" He yelled louder again. Some of the tourists looked at Frank with looks of confusion. They didn't understand what he was trying to do.

"Oompa Loompas!" Frank cried now.

A small man poked his head out from behind a nearby tree and gazed at Frank who spotted him and began to smile. The Oompa Loompa was indifferent to this. Several more popped out from behind other trees. And then more... and more... and more... until Frank knew that there were more than enough. The first Oompa Loompa approached Frank and looked up at him for instruction.

"What is that?" Janet asked Brad, pointing at one of the Oompa Loompas behind a tree.

"Well, Janet... It looks to me like a little fellow," he replied, approaching it. He extended his hand. "Hi, little guy! What's your name?" He said in a friendly manner. The Oompa Loompa simply looked Brad up and down. "Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you." Brad said, moving closer.

"I don't think you should be doing that, Brad. They look a little dangerous, if you ask me," Janet said.

Brad turned his back on the Oompa Loompa and looked at Janet. "Oh, hush, Janet. We just went on a ride from hell. I think we deserve to relax a bit now and converse with this little guy. He's just shy, I think." He turned back to the direction of the Oompa Loompa, only to find him gone. Brad scratched his head in confusion. "Hmm... that's odd... I wonder where he could be?" He said, looking all around, not having the slightest idea that the Oompa Loompa had climbed onto one of the tree's branches and was ready to attack from above.

Frank spoke to the Oompa Loompa who stood before him. "Uhh, well there's a big mess that was made just now and I don't want Willy to be mad so I would like for you little er... _darlings_ to clean it up for me?"

The Oompa Loompa stood still, blinked at Frank.

"Do you understand?" Frank asked nervously.

"The Oompa Loompa sighed and walked away, back to the forest.

"I want to get out of here!" A woman screamed.

Frank watched the Oompa Loompa walk away curiously until he was not able to see him anymore. He wondered whether or not he had understood the directions. He hoped that they would look the other way just this once on their anger with him and do it for Willy's sake. Luckily for Frank, that was what they were going to do.

Several Oompa Loompas disappeared for a moment and returned with a few carts filled with cleaning supplies. Frank sighed to himself in relief, watching as the little men got to business before his very own eyes.

Brad looked all around, trying to find where the little man had went. "Where are you, you tiny person?" Brad asked. He looked up and saw the Oompa Loompa above him, ready to strike. However, he had only gazed upon the creature for a second because before he know it, the little man had jumped onto his face.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Brad screamed, flailing his arms and running around in circles.

"Oh, Brad!" Janet cried. "Stop moving so I can help you take him off!"

"Ahhhhhhhh!" He screamed again and managed to stay put, allowing Janet to remove the little man. She held him out in front of her and inspected him. Brad adjusted his glasses and came to her side to join in with the inspection.

"All aboard!" Frank yelled, motioning for people to re-enter the elevator.

No one moved from their spots, though. "No way! We're not getting back it there!" A man said to Frank. "You're crazy!"

"Am I? Am I really?"

"Yes!"

"Just get back in. You have no other option."

The tourists looked at eachother nervously, then sighed, giving up and getting back into the elevator. Frank smiled to himself, stepping in after everyone and placing his hand over the keypad. As he was about to shut the door, he saw Brad and Janet still outside, running around for some odd reason. Frank stepped out of the elevator and stared ahead, curiously. "What are they doing?" He asked himself, moving towards them.

The Oompa Loompa had squeezed himself out of Janet's grip and had begun chasing the two around. They screamed, not knowing why the little person would be doing this, what his motives were. But they did not want to find out, so they kept running away from the figure, in hopes of tiring him out. They just wanted to be left alone. From over his shoulder, Brad saw Frank approaching. "Hey! What's the big idea, here? Make this thing stop!" He yelled.

Frank frowned. "But why would I want to do that? The little guy seems to be having fun," Frank replied, noting the look of hatred in the Oompa Loompa's eyes, and moving closer until he was a foot away from the fidgeting couple. "The little bloke is harmless," Frank sighed. "He just wants to play a game, is all," he added, now seeing the Oompa Loompa begin to growl in an unholy nature. Frank winced.

"Get him away from us so we can leave!" Janet screamed.

Frank sighed again. "Very well then," he said, approaching the small man with outreached arms. "There's no need to fear, just come this way," he coaxed, the little man forgetting about Brad and Janet and moving towards Frank. "Yes... yes... good little fellow..." Frank continued. The Oompa Loompa was almost there... it let out a loud hiss and began running at Frank.

"Ahhh!" He cried, turning on his heels and running back to the elevator. Brad and Janet followed, screaming as well. They were almost there... just a little bit further... Frank turned around to see if the man was still on his trail. He saw the little beast snapping his jaw towards his own rear. "Ah!" He cried again, increasing his pace. All three of them reached the elevator and jumped in, smashing into the other people who were very angry and began to chatter rudely.

"Quick, Furter! The door!" Brad yelled, seeing the Oompa Loompa only steps from the elevator's opening.

Frank's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. He slid his hand up to the buttons and slammed down on the one that would make the doors close. They began to close very slowly.

"Hurry!" Janet screamed.

The rabid Ooompa Loompa growled and jumped towards the doorway. Frank banged over and over again on the button, the elevator doors finally completely closing. The little man was too late. He hit against the glass and fell down. The tourists watched in horror as the man lay still on the ground.

"Is he going to be alright?" Janet asked.

"Well--" Frank began, but was cut off when he saw the Oompa Loompa regain his stance, brush himself off and act as though nothing had happened. He growled angrily at the elevator's passengers once again.

Frank made a face and pressed some of the elevator's buttons. The craft immediately became set in motion and hovered in the air above the ground. Frank pressed other buttons and the elevator jolted to the right, moving away from the room and back the way which it had taken before. It picked up speed and sailed through the rooms, making everyone nauseous again.

Not before long, the elevator had gotten back to its starting point of where the tourists had boarded-- where the fallen Wonka had been lying unconscious. Frank opened the doors and stepped out, everyone following him until the elevator was empty once again.

"Well folks, that's the end of the tour. How did you like it? What were your favorite parts?" Frank said merrily.

"None of it, you sicko," A man called angrily.

"We're leaving!" A woman spoke.

The crowd rushed past Frank and headed for the doorway.

"But... but... you didn't like my tour?" Frank asked sadly.

"You are despicable," Brad said, took Janet's hand in his and followed the rest. The guests showed themselves out of the factory and Frank was left alone. Alone... why did that feel wrong? There was something just off about this.

"Willy!" Frank said, remembering that Wonka was supposed to be lying around there somewhere. He hoped he hadn't flattened the man with the elevator on its landing! He would never forgive himself if he did... Frank moved around the spot, looking all around for any signs of the man but he had vanished.

"Willy? Where are you?" Frank asked nervously. He inspected the carpet and noticed a small indentation in the shape of Willy's body where he had been lying. "Where did you go?" Frank asked, worried.

"Why, to have a cup of tea, you silly goose," A voice replied from behind Frank. He jumped in shock and turned to see Wonka standing behind him.

"Oh, Willy! Here you are! I was so nervous!" Frank explained.

"That's nice. But we have to have a very long talk, Mr. Furter. I am very angry."

"Why?"

"Well I-- I can't talk standing up like this. I need to sit and finish my tea. Come over to the lounge," Willy instructed, leading Frank to a room that looked like a coffee shop. Willy took a seat in a soft armchair, picked up a cup of tea that was sitting on the table in front of him, and motioned for Frank to sit in the adjacent armchair.

Frank took a seat and Wonka sipped from his tea. He put it back on the table and looked at Frank. "There were unauthorized people in my factory."

"_Our_ factory, Willy," Frank corrected. "I am part owner and I gave my part-guests a part-tour."

"Yeah... but they could've contaminated the candy! Did you make sure that precautions were taken so that no germs could escape into the confectionery? Hm?" Wonka questioned.

Frank pictured the many people hunched over and puking in the candy and made a face. "Uhh... yes?"

Wonka eyed him suspiciously. "Okay. And how do you know that none of them were spies? My secrets might be leaking out everywhere right this minute!"

"I doubt that these people were educated enough to even understand the meaning of the word 'spy.' You've nothing to fret about, my dear Willy."

"Nothing to fret about! Nothing to fret about! You've put the factory in jeopardy!" Wonka yelled.

"There, There Willy. Cool down," Frank said calmly, rising from his seat. He moved around to the back of Wonka's chair and placed his hands upon Wonka's shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Wonka asked, horrified. Are you _touching_ me?"

"Frank will make everything better. Just relax," Frank instructed, massaging Wonka's back and shoulders. "Oh, you are so very tense! Well you won't be anymore after I'm finished with you. I'm going to give a nice back rub. Would you mind removing your coat? And perhaps your shirt as well, Willy?"

Wonka's eyes bulged in their sockets. "Eek!" He squeaked helplessly.


End file.
